Between Two Worlds

It feels like timelines ago that I got to sit with my inner child, write, and reflect like this. That’s how this whole journey started. I would not have known any of you had I not started writing on Facebook. Sharing my thoughts, trying to share bits of light here and there—incognito. I was still ashamed of being outspoken about wanting to help others. That was seen as weak or too effeminate by the people I was around growing up. You had to be tough. You had to be strong. You could not show emotion, or you would be weak. You could not express yourself—that would be cringe. And you would be outcast, judged, and thus ALONE because of it. I quickly learned to associate expression with NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU. Expression was synonymous with being ALONE. No one wants to hear that, Cody. Who cares? Stop complaining. You’re so ungrateful… Sound familiar?

I would just sit here and write. Write and write all my feelings away. And somehow it began to find people. The thread of frequency became a loud enough signal, I suppose, with enough momentum over time—I was writing almost daily. And thus attracting people who resonated with how I thought. It was a window into my soul. My heart. You can’t fake this sort of stream of consciousness. You may not resonate with it. But you cannot fake it. It is me.

I just released this Lion’s Gate Program and realized, after a couple of sign-ups, that I had inadvertently left all 11 steps unlocked—when each day’s steps were supposed to be released on fixed days. I felt that familiar residual biochemical response of heat begin to rush from my chest, traveling like hot lava to my forehead… before washing away as my better judgment kicked in. A mixture of anxiety and frustration with myself.

Although I trust those who signed up will not jump ahead and will follow the insights I channeled from these Guides by following the steps and activations strategically in sequential order, there was still that old familiar itch I couldn’t scratch after I realized I could not edit the program to accommodate this error once the program was published live.

And then there are moments like this one where I remember the surprising ways the Universe works, the blessings in disguise, the grievances that turn into miracles.

The past two months have reminded me that Time is truly perceptual. Helping my parents sell and move out of our family home, donating, selling, shedding so many things and memories, so many time capsules. The baggage we got rid of was far more mental than physical! But boy, was it physical… 😰

I have to say, I could sit here and write about how emotional it was, but what is so interesting to me is that I feel like I’ve already been moving through saying goodbye to that house and everything it signified for so many years. Honestly for over a decade. Since going off to college, graduating, moving to Del Mar first, then Costa Rica, traveling the world living in various places has had me exercise “saying goodbye” more than I used to. I used to be terrible at goodbyes!

But for me, the hardest part is always knowing although I’m okay, I can’t stop my little nephews all 7 and under from being sad. I can’t process their emotions for them. I can’t grieve for them. But what is interesting is these children force us to be present with emotions we thought we were good at dealing with but really we got good at avoiding over the years. We spent so many years establishing those walls from all those pains, all those heartbreaks, tragedies. Either by dissociation or for most, compartmentalization. It takes many years to develop the ability to compartmentalize. And children only develop counter-factual thinking after age 5. Before then, there is no rationalizing with them. If they have a toy—and the toy has to go back to its owner—you will not convince that child that you have not just stolen a limb from their very bodies upon returning that toy… At best maybe they’ll forget about the toy if they get distracted.

But with so many little nephews running around (7, 6, and 4 years old) (and one niece on the way!!!) it really has been the ultimate test. After all, how good at “Inner Child Work” are you if you can’t work well with children? Your inner child IS a child, so my theory was if you get good at being patient, compassionate, and attuned emotionally to your inner child, you will probably be better at communicating with children in a way they can receive and understand you.

It reminded me of all the complicated ways we intellectualize establishing healthy communication with kids, raising kids, allowing kids to thrive and still provide direction for them without imposing—but imposing still when they want you to. It is quite a dance. My favorite thing is watching the macho fellas who develop emotional intelligence and communication skills because they’re now a girl-dad! You have to be patient when you have kids (speaking from a dedicated uncle!!). But how effective is your spiritual and/or self-care practice if you can’t apply it when life gets the MOST challenging.

The thing is, I have been noticing for me personally, my power shuts down when I am around my family. Although I love them, loving them is part of the dynamic that confuses my instincts. At a certain point a part of me decides the only way to tolerate this type of behavior, demonstration of consciousness (or lack of), this disrespect, this bigotry, this lack of commitment to understanding viewpoints outside of their own, etc. is to SHUT DOWN my emotions. Shut down my instincts. Even shut down my intuition.

I’ve been noticing this happen when I have to spend longer than about 3 days with them. This is when the influence of their far more dominant energy that abides in that space because too much for my solo influence all on my own to manage. The subconscious coping strategy is shut down. And when you dissociate like that, you are tuning off your instincts, turning off your radar gun. I cannot even hear my guides as clearly. They feel and sound like someone at the end of a long hallway shouting advice at you versus when my boundaries are in tact and I haven’t given up my boundaries to tolerate other people, they my guides sound like they are speaking in my ear or even in my BEING. From within.

I made so many excuses for my family over the years because to be honest it was just so hard to believe that people I respected and admired so much would be that far removed from understanding who I am. I would say each of you reading this blog know more about me that my own family who have prided ourselves on being a “close family.” 

For example, the world I come from today does not eat meat or animal products. It’s a world that understands that emotional energy can get trapped in food. The world that I come from doesn’t use microwaves. People understand that we are energy and that we attract through our thoughts. People understand that suppressed thoughts and emotions can manifest into illness or disease, both mentally and physically.

The people that I come from make space to understand people’s hearts, their quirks, and see the beauty through all of it. We smile from within, not just externally. We greet people from within, not just on the surface.

We understand the integrity of honesty and authenticity. We applaud and praise those who display the audacity to go after their dreams. To speak up about something they believe in.

The people that I am with don’t shame others who dare to not be invisible. Who don’t laugh at a girl in the park doing a photoshoot by herself because she loves herself.

The people that I am with now are trauma-informed. They understand that the triggers and judgments you have stem from things you went through that you haven’t processed from childhood. And now, when you see others act like that, your defensive judgment comes up to protect you from re-experiencing whatever happened to you as a child around those same themes. The shame.

I realize how painful it is to be around my family and for them not to calculate or process how much energy it takes for me to show up. How far removed from me they have to be to think showing up is just a matter of being there. As if I were not juggling very sharp, very hot, heavy metal with my bare hands while walking a tightrope blindfolded.

I feel like I’m in the twilight zone when they attempt to offer me advice when they were the ones who broke me down. When they suggest health base food options, and here I am playing a role to not be rude while eating all of their GMO‘s and non-organic food items. 🤪

What is the sacrifice?

I write this to remind myself. Because when I don’t, I start believing their judgment of me. And then I start losing respect for myself. And then I don’t think I deserve respect at all because I’m seeing myself the way they see me. The way they judge me. The way they judge me as people who are not trauma-informed. People who don’t believe in therapy and have never done it. People who don’t believe in life coaches or spirits at all (except for when they ask me to do sessions for them… then it’s back to the old way again).

But I’ve learned my lesson enough, and I’m done being quiet. Because I’m stifling. And I need to speak up and out again. It has started to affect my health, and I know I reverse that by expressing and doing everything that I’ve learned to suppress because of them.

To live with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and have your family not consider that when they ask anything of you. To not consider that disorder when they judge you. When they ask a favor of you, to not think about how one step for them equals one thousand for me. How one chat equals three days of recovery.

It does hurt to invest so much of my heart in people who don’t even value what I perceive as growth in my life. What I perceive as growth, they see as weakness, regression, or nothing at all. Just complete indifference. I love when I grow. I love when I finish a painting or finish writing a song. I do feel like I’m living a double life. Like I’m in a movie where I have to wear a suit and tie around them, and then I transform into something else entirely when I’m away from them. And it’s all to protect their emotions because I know it would make them uncomfortable. Just knowing how they judge other people… surely they would judge me. And they have.

To have lived so up close and personal with Teal Swan, for example, and witnessed people from cults around the world attempting to recruit guests… I once had a girl install spyware into her crystal necklace during a retreat with Teal Swan, recording me back to her headquarters. Teal asked me to testify in court for her about it. Doing extrasensory healing sessions and trauma deprogramming with Teal around ritual abuse programming, callback programs, self-destruct programming, kitten programming, MKUltra, and understanding how it all works. She would ask me to clear energetic cords from her bedroom because the guests staying at her retreat center were “too much” or were “pulling” on her. Some of the things we survived together… are hard to believe. I don’t even know if there’s enough time to begin.

Everything we witnessed about secret societies… being around highly influential and powerful people so often (in the early days when she was more respected in the spiritual community by peers… most peeled off later on). It became more of a crash course in what not to do than what to do, to be honest. How not to let power consume me. How not to develop a spiritual ego. How to lead with grace, consciousness, and integrity while practicing what you preach. And not to weaponize authenticity. Understanding that the most authentic people don’t have to talk about being authentic. The artists of the world… I see you.

And most of all, understanding which relationships are real and which are not. I watched so many people abandon real relationships with real friends—people they’d been to each other’s homes with, grieved with, camped with, counted stars with, done deep emotional processing with, and shared profound life conversations with—all for a public figure who may not even remember who they are, let alone care about them. I learned to protect the relationships with the people who have actually made the sacrifice to sustain real connection. And I learned how to build relationships outside of those based solely on status, influence, or what someone can do for you.

So many teachers. So many lives. So many experiences. I often wonder if my family could even begin to fathom what I have seen… and what I have experienced. It was a lot, and it is times like that that I am grateful for having such a close family that most of the others in that space did not have. Because it was grounding and sobering to be around people who did not experience that level of corruption and conspiracy.

But it was still my life, and it is still exhausting, heavy-duty work to suppress my bright, shining light, cover it up, wear a mask, change my voice, lose the light in my eyes, dim my gaze, and match their frequency. The frequency of that which I have grown FROM.

Committing this much time with my family is really damaging because think about it like this: you have to meet with your family for a family event, but in order to do so, you have to walk back into life as your 11-year-old self. Same life. Same themes. Same weight on your back and chip on your shoulder. The same bullies. The same insecurities. The same fears as your 11-year-old self.

I can’t keep morphing myself. I can’t keep shape-shifting and regressing myself backward to accommodate their lack of effort in their own growth and evolution. And if they were perfectly happy and satisfied in their lives, I would say, fine, and I could just live my own life. But they are not totally satisfied. They have many grievances in their lives. And it is quite dysfunctional for nearly all of them. And to be able to help, but for them not to be able to receive me, is one of the most difficult challenges of my adult life so far. It is the most powerless feeling to know I could help them with almost anything, yet not be able to do so because they won’t listen, receive me, or shift enough to truly hear me. That is deeply painful. And it has been a grieving process for me. To continue learning and accepting that my family will never be a part of my life in the way I always wanted.

I had to accept that although I’m a part of their lives, they are not truly a part of mine. Even though that is all I’ve ever wanted. I’m in their lives, their children’s lives, their fiancés’ and spouses’ families’ lives even—but they are not in my life, my world, my relationships, my soul family. I had to accept that there is no reciprocation.

And although this all sounds very sad and dreary, it is empowering to realize the boundary that must be in place. Because whether I like it or not, I know I manifest severe stomach issues that have landed me in the hospital before when I spend extended time around them. Because my solar plexus and sacral chakras become extremely compromised, thus compromising my root chakra. So it becomes very dangerous to my life, from an energetic and physical perspective, for me to tolerate—for any of us to tolerate—anything that depletes our energy to that degree. That is a space where you are not seen. And you must be in places where your heart is seen, where you are heard, valued, and received. And trust me, you know that feeling when you feel it. And it is hard to go back once you know what it truly feels like to be received and witnessed in a way that you never had growing up.

The irony is how much I love my family. And how much they love me. I haven’t found many families that are as close as we are… or were. And that is part of why this situation is so tricky in the first place. Because what is the solution? It has always been boundaries. So it feels like mixed messages and mixed signals that your nervous system is receiving when you know there is a love there that will always be reliable, especially in physical emergencies, while also knowing these people are detrimental to your life, your health, and your career.

There is no way to make those who lack consciousness understand you if they’re not willing to listen. And you cannot change people who don’t realize they have a problem. So I did say these last two months would be my last effort, where I gave literally every ounce I had left to make this sendoff a beautiful one. Plus our beautiful vacation afterward. I think we were on our best behavior. But I am left quite damaged, and I know it will take at least a month to begin recovering enough to have the energy and capacity, without burnout, to do what I know I need to do. To stay creative. To lean more into my music and keep writing from an authentic place of flow. To work on my retreat that is coming up, as well as these new programs. And not to mention my beautiful, beautiful clients, who help keep me sane and remind me who I really am. I’m probably one of the only people who makes sure they work while vacationing with family because I need a vacation from the vacation. 🤣

As someone who really prioritizes family, if you can have a healthy relationship with your biological or adopted family, there is really nothing more reliable than that. It is a bond that is very hard—but not impossible—to recreate. Because I do believe in Soul Family. Chosen family. And I know there are threads in our souls’ frequency that allow us to travel together across these lifetimes. And I know we find each other when our hearts are open enough, in the right spaces, to connect. And I know we will find each other again here. I hope to meet all of you one day soon for a real coming-home experience. To travel together to one of the Earth’s chakras or vortexes, open our hearts and spirits, receive, channel, remember, activate… I dream of this day. Please help me make it come true.

It broke my heart for so many years because I had so many incredibly real experiences at spiritual retreats early on, even working with Teal Swan when we opened the retreat center Philia. Putting together retreats there for the guests was so rewarding. The community and the love in the atmosphere are something that is hard to duplicate. But the space became empty after a while. The connection was lost, and the magic went away. And I realized it’s not about the place. It’s about the heart that draws everyone together around a common, powerful intention from the core of each of us. That is a powerful signal. A frequency that binds us and draws us together. And we experienced that supernova during those years.

When we draw enough people together to create that atmosphere again, pool all our resources, and establish that quality of engagement—plus activities, trauma-based healing exercises and processing with experts and practitioners, lake days, beach days, excursions to integrate and reflect, breathwork, workshops, crystal excavations, activations, ceremonies, channelings, and so much more—I will make this happen. Mark my words. I’m putting together an interest list for a potential retreat next summer. Please sign up for free if you resonate! 💫 : https://www.codysingh.com/registration

Sometimes I think a blog has to have a beginning, a middle, and an end. But life doesn’t always have that, does it? Sometimes we’re just in the middle.

I am grateful for this Lion’s Gate Program beginning today. Happy Lion’s Gate, friends. It’s no wonder I’m already emotionally purging! Be sure to listen to those activations in sequential order. They are meant to guide and assist with whatever may come up, when it comes up. They are aware of all of this before we are.

Sending so much love to all of you.

So much more to share.

With Love,

Cody